Monday, May 14, 2007

The monsters under my bed

I have been running away from these fears for quite sometime, so I decided to put them down in writing so that I can start to confront them. I am just so exhausted trying to keep up the pace while these fears are chasing me faster and faster. So here we go……
Employment: After 6 years of marriage I had this expectation that we would be secure in our jobs. While I have been employed in the same company for 6 years I have the same level job as I did before I earned my degree. I never thought that it would be so hard to find a fulfilling and well paying job but I find myself constantly boarded in this job that everyone always tells me should be so awesome. Then there is DJ’s frequently changing job (not of his own doing) so that he has never moved out of the starting pay range in any job. We are still struggling when I had hoped we would be more settled. This has caused such stress that I literally have had two major nervous breakdowns. Each week we hold our breath to find out if he will get his full 40 hours and we get to go buy milk that week or if he will be short hours and we have to decide what bill will be late. I know I shouldn't’t but I often find myself in such a state of envy for those women around me who are able to stay home and raise their children and whose husbands have those wonderfully stable jobs. I would love to know that feeling in this life but I truly fear our struggle will continue for quite some time.
This brings me to my next major fear………..
Motherhood: I truly fear we will never be blessed with a child. I know that I cannot bare a child but I still held such hope of adopting a baby that I almost felt no need to grieve for the loss of a biological child. But this constant financial insecurity has dampened our dreams of adopting since the fees are over 10K and I obviously will not be able to stay home so we will need childcare, which we can’t afford. I wish that money was not such a tool of the devil and we were able to live in a society where hard work really paid off. I don’t want anyone to think I’m money hungry by any means, I just crave. All I have every wanted is to be a good wife and experience the joy of motherhood, and I fear that these simple desires are never going to be fulfilled due to our circumstances and it scares me right to my core.
My health: I have been truly paralyzed this year with all of my health issues. The last time I remember being healthy I was 15 years old and this is the first time I have felt like I may never feel healthy again. I actually dread my appointments because each time the Dr tells me something new that is wrong. I now take 7 pills daily, a shot twice weekly and my insulin resistance has me on 300 units of insulin daily. This year I have been in hospital 4 times, had 2 CAT scans, a stress test, vein ultrasound, sleep study, breathing test, skin allergen test and lung scan; and it’s only May! I feel like my doctors only want to treat my symptoms but not help me with the problem. My weight has gone so out of control that I feel like I can not get it back under control again. I worked so hard to get it off and then all heck broke lose and I find myself at the heaviest I have been in my life. I truly for the first time have a fear that I will not live a long life. At 27 that reality is so chilling that I often feel like my depression is coming back and I know if I succumb to the depression this time I may not have the strength to pull out. I am so thankful for my husband at these times because he is so patient and loving and he never shows me his frustration when I’m barely holding on. It is also times like these that I am glad I have a calling that involves daily work so that I can keep myself busy when I begin to feel like crawling into bed. I am proud of my ability to stave off a depressive swing this year and the fact that I have not surrendered to my Dr.’s pressure to go on antidepressants. But the fear that I will never be healthy has been chasing me all of this year.
And lastly…………………………
Friends: I hit a couple of huge walls this year and while I sat there with the phone in my hand needing to reach out I discovered that while I have many acquaintances I don’t have friends who I can just lose it with. I have been the rock for many when they call and are falling apart, and I have never felt nor do I now that I was being used or put on because I thrive on being needed and in the grips of someone else’s crisis I can pull everything together and refuse to let go until the situation is taken care of completely. I know that is why I’m the first to be called when a husband cheated, a baby was lost, a fiancĂ© left, a sibling past away or a mother was diagnosed with cancer. And I have never felt it a burden because our whole purpose in this world is to help each other no matter what is going on in our lives, service to our fellow man/woman is the answer to all my other fears and I know this. Maybe that is why it was so devastating to have come to the reality that all of these people I have always viewed as my friends only called on me when they needed me then I would not hear from them again for months. Emails would go unanswered, calls not returned and rushed conversations where I tried to share a need I had but was quickly turned into me helping them again. So I sat there holding my phone realizing my deepest fear had confirmed itself; I don’t have any truly deep friendships, no siblings, no one I can call and just lose it when needed. I fear that I will not have that kind of companionship and it troubles me more then any other fear I have written down here today. It is truly the largest of the monsters under my bed where I sweep my fears at night.
Now I have not written this to throw a pity party or because I felt like wallowing for a while. I have been praying a lot about how to fix these problems and conquer the fears now that I have fully identified them. I know we are told that journaling is necessary to grow and better ourselves so I have felt like I needed to journal these fears & put them out into the universe so I can hold myself accountable to overcome them fully. I have many blessings in this world; I know of them and am truly thankful for each and every one of them. I just crave the feeling to be free of these fears and needed to take the first step to try and stop running from them.


Amie said...

Christine, I'm emailing you my 'comment' because it's really long!