So thankful tonight

I am full of thanks tonight for the amazing bond between women.

I'm thankful that I was able to go sit with my beautiful friend who just had a beautiful baby.

I'm thankful that I was able to hold her hand when she was in pain, comfort her when she was scared and talk to her while she cried.

I'm thankful that my husband was able to come give her a sweet blessing.

I'm thankful that I was able to cuddle on her baby girl for her when she could not hold her.

I'm thankful my Heavenly Father blessed me with Caden so I could better serve this beautiful sister knowing what she was going through.

I'm thankful tonight that I was able to be there for her in the moment that she needed me and that I was able to know that I needed to be there with such a powerful prompting.

But mostly I'm thankful for her friendship tonight and her willingness to let me serve her. It's been hard to get people to let me help them (right Robyn) and tonight my sweet friend let me fulfill that desire in my heart to simply serve. And for that I am truly thankful.

The most traumatic day I had since I've become a parent

Let me start by saying thank you for the supportive comments from my previous post. And just to let you know that if you live in AZ you were not one of those mentioned in the (you know who you are) portion of the letter. And most likely if you're from CA and are reading this - you're not them either. That post was not meant to fish for compliments I promise. All I'm gonna say on the matter (because with writing the post I put the issue to bed, washed my hands of it and am at peace) is that prop 8 has angered many, and amongst that number are a few "friends" who no longer believe that I am their friend all because of my choice to be a Mormon. And when challenged or told I won't do something I am the type to take something to the extreme to make sure the challenge is met. So in the most public form I have I declared my feelings and said good bye to any regrets that I succumb to the world. Done.

On to my current trauma. So Friday I wake up and go to work and I'm thinking woo hoo it's Friday it's gonna be a good day - i'm ready, i'm ready, i'm ready (spongebob lovers out there get that last part). About a quarter of the way through the day I get a call from my mom who proceeds to tell me that she can, as of next week, no longer watch Caden on Mondays and Wednesdays. So I email Amie to see if she can take him 5 days a week. She of course says Yes! oh and by the way my last official day of day care is August ## - all cause she's gonna become the best RN in the world and change peoples life and crap like that (shesh totally selfish of her having dreams and stuff - seriously though I'm so proud of her, you go get em girl.

So I'm stressing a bit by now. I knew Amie was shutting down the business this year but having an official date made it real and that meant I had to deal with it now. Well I had put in a call to a local day care center a few weeks back and I called to get the quote and set up the walk though and interview. Holy Toledo - $850 dollars a week to take Caden there. I about had a heart attack.

Then about 10 minutes later I end up reading the saddest child abuse case I have read to date. I see pictures of the most egregious acts of abuse and my mind goes into full forced panic mode. I could feel the tears welling up and I knew there was no stopping them. I just sat there at my desk crying - uncontrollably. I wanted to hold my baby so badly right then. I couldn't get to Amie's house fast enough after work. I swear I was no more than 2 feet from him the whole night. Now in my previous post I stated that I was not ashamed that I was a working mother - but that in no way means I like it. I would have quit right then and there if there was any way at all that I could. I even pulled up my budget spreadsheet and tried to tweak the numbers. Can't afford the $850 for the center, can't afford to stay home, can't bring him to work with me - well crap.

So should anyone know someone who does in home day care I would love the referral. I know I have a few months, but I'm a planner and I will freak out until I have a person lined up. I'm officially invoking that great promise of sisterhood here - with a pretty please and a cherry on top for good measure. I mean come on look at this face and tell me you don't want to snuggle and laugh with him all day long. Oh and he sleeps, never cries and his diapers smell of roses - just ask Amie =)

Thanks, but I like me just the way I am

Dear those of you who have worked so hard to let me know I'm full of faults and imperfections for how I chose to live my life (you know who you are),

Let me start by stating with utter certainty that I know I am in no way shape or form perfect. I know that I am the furthest possible point from perfect on any map.

That being said let me now state that I am really just fine and dandy being me. I appreciate all the comments and remarks about my faults and imperfections that I have received in recent weeks, but really those faults are a part of me and I embrace them. Now I'm not stating that there is no room for improvement or that I don't strive to better myself because I truly do on a daily basis try and make myself a better person. But I'm OK knowing that I will never be perfect. I'm just fine knowing that I have lived a full life long before joining the Church in which I have done and been many things, and let me say none of them am I ashamed of in any way shape or form. Each and every action helped me become who I am and without them I would not be the person I am learning to love today.

For that reason I will always turn up the radio when Brass Monkey, The Joker or Back in Black comes on because those songs are part of my past and I love the memories that go with them.

For that reason I will not deny that I enjoy playing on-line computer games. Or that I love Douglas Adams books & the Twilight series. Or that I'm giddy that there is a new Star Trek movie coming out. Or that I would be ecstatic to sit and watch all the Lord of the Rings movies in succession in my PJ's with a great deli sandwich. Because geeky or not I love the way these indulgences make me feel.

For that reason I will not apologize or feel ashamed that I am a working mother. I have to do what my family needs me to do and if that means I work then I will do it. And in doing so teach my son that personal responsibility is important and your family will need different things from you at different points in your life. The truly important lesson is in how you spend the time you have with your family, not the total quantity of time you spend with them.

For that reason I will never tell a friend that lives a different or alternative life style from mine that they can not be a part of my life or that we cannot be friends anymore because their agency is theirs and the worth of every, EVERY soul is great in the eyes of the Lord, not just those who live the same choices as me. And most of my friends from my past have helped me through tough times without any judgment or ill will against me, for that I am forever grateful.

For that reason I will always believe that it is more important to teach rather than judge because I have been judged more in my life in the last 2 years then any person deserves to be judged and let me tell you it feels awful to always have to worry about what you do and say and how others will tear you apart because of it.

For that reason I will always support the freedom of speech, both yours and mine. Men & women have died for this right, respect it! If you don't agree that's fine, but remember that for everything you feel passionate about there is someone out there that feels just as passionately about the opposite point of view; and they have the right to.

I could go on and on, but I just wanted to address the issues that have been brought to my attention by people in my life, and assure the universe that I really am OK being me. Heck I'm starting to get really good at loving me. Imperfections, religious beliefs, political views, choice in music, health problems and all. But thanks for the concern and all. I appreciate the worrying you've done for my soul, though I think we'll be just fine.

Sincerely,
Me

Finally an update

The babe is getting to be quite the little man. He's three months old and his personality is really coming out lately. He's not one to wait for anything. Patience is not his strongest point, hmmmm wonder where he got that lovely trait? Sorry Caden, it's a curse.
These photos are not in any real order except that they are all taken between 9 and 12 weeks. Above was a Saturday afternoon that he was just giving us all sorts of new faces after his nap. Too cute!
He's been smiling since he was 6 weeks old but we could not get a good photo of it because any time he saw a camera he would turn very serious and just stare at it until I put the camera away. Finally I got some side shots before he caught on, lol.

For his first St. Patrick's Day I gave in and got him some cute outfits. Being that he's Irish and all we had to document the day. The one above says "I'm a McCutie" hehehe, I love it!

And how could you not want to kiss that face?

Another after the nap moment, so sweet.

And speaking of naps, he finally went down for one in his crib! It wasn't for very long, but he did it. He still has not napped as long for me as he does for Amie or my mom, but he's getting better. And no he's not sleeping in his crib at night yet. I'm still not doing well with him being all the way on the other side of the house especially with the break ins that have been happening around lately.
His moods have been very present this last month, as documented with the next three photos. These were taken over the course of about 15 seconds, no joke. Happy Baby.

Serious Baby.

Holy Cow I'm Ticked Baby.

He was blessed in late February. It was a great day!

We went and hung out in the grass for the first time. He loved it to our surprise.

He kept moving his feet all around in the grass and his eyes would get really big.

Same day as the grass, just too cute not to share.

More smiles!

We went to the zoo with some friends. It was a fantastical day and we totally can't wait to do it again. Caden had a blast looking at everything, took a nap in his stroller and ate a bottle in front of the Monkey cage. Good times.

He really liked the aquarium.

Dad had fun showing him all the cool underwater things that lurk in the ocean. I believe he was also trying to impart his fear of water where you can't see the bottom as well.

But Caden still totally loves his bath time, so no harm done!

Such a happy guy. Well hopefully I can post more this next few weeks. That is if I stay out of the hospital! I have had a 3 day stay, 3 ER visits, 2 MRI's, 1 CAT scan, 4 X-Rays, 6 I.V.'s, 2 allergic reactions and 9 new prescriptions in the last 4 weeks. I'm hoping it's all done for a while cause at over a grand in bills I can't take this any more! Have a good week.